There's this odd phenomenon that occurs when I have a job. After my job is done (or on my days off) I'm
always thinking about the potential other work I can be doing. I'm thinking of everything between chores
to education to house upgrades. However, as its also my only time off, I also have the tremendous urge
to rest so I can continue the work week on a good foot. I end up stuck between the urge to rest and the
urge to do a million other things. It ends up feeling like I'm a car trying to drive with the brakes
still on. I'm just spinning my wheels uselessly.
Decision Paralysis
I had been having a lot of guilt and uncertainty about any decision I made that wasn't a single clear solution. I felt a constant barrage of torment from that inner critic in my pain. I felt a complete lack of confidence in my ability to make a decision. A lot of second guessing or automatic guilt at any decision.
I've been struggling on what to do in many ways. How do I decide what to do? There was a powerful essay I
was reading called dSelf Respect: Its Source and Power by Joan Didion that has
been percolating in my brain for a few weeks. The idea that self respect is a matter of understanding
what you do and fully embracing its consequences. Recently, I think because of this essay and a few
other incidents I had a revelation sprouted finally
In order to figure out if I'm making the best decision in ambiguous decisions, its not really a matter or
correct or incorrect/right or wrong. It's a matter of how those decisions line up with my values and my
priorities. That's been helpful in dealing with uncertainty in regards to grey choices. It also helps me to
decide when to push through things and when to rest.
Connections
Date:
Author: Nova
The Mind and Body
I am constantly reminded of the incredible connections of our minds and bodies. I often think of them as
separate entities and forget that the brain is a physical tangibleorgan. Anxiety, pain, and
trauma can have real physical consequences. Outside of just the consequences of the trauma itself.
I know it feels terribly obvious when I write it down but sometimes I receive such potent reminders that
it feels like an entirely new revelation to have. I've been learning about how trauma is stored in the
body and the ways it can impact us in unexpected ways. Can joy do the same thing? Can other emotions be
stored in the body? Are only the scars visible on the mountain but not the trees growing?
Work
The environment I work in is welcoming but is not the easiest job. Its a style of call center work which
is never easy. Its terrifying to see how quickly people lose empathy while holding a job like this. The
rapid and constant exchange of condenscion and cruelty you can experience from other people wears people
down so quickly. You risk becoming cynical and cruel because of the experience. I will admit even though
I have a fairly high tolerance its difficult for me.
Whenever I go to work I'm reminded of this quote by Marcus Aurelius from Meditations
"When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be meddling,
ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly. They are like this because they can't tell good from
evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the
wrongdoer has a nature related to my own - not of the same blood and birth, but the same mind, and
possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness.
Nor can I feel angry at my relative, or hate him. We were born to work together like feet, hands and
eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at
someone, to turn your back on him: these are unnatural."
I don't think of this quote because I think I'm inherently nicer or above other people. But to remind
myself that the people on the phone aren't even talking to me. They are only happy when I deliver good
news (often that isn't even due to my own work) and unhappy when I deliver bad news (also often not my
work). They are simply sick and scared and in pain and afraid. Like all of humanity, including myself.
The way I see people burn out from jobs like these is terrifying. It is my largest goal to make sure I
retain my empathy and joy at humanity.
Website
In other news, I'm really excited in how my website is coming along. I feel like its going really nicely.
I feel nice and peaceful in how its set up. I feel like its much cleaner and nicer to set up. Also
instead of using emacs I'm using VS code for now at least. I'll come back to emacs eventually. Maybe
I'll even dabble in vim.
TITLE
Date:
Author: Nova
Future Diaries
On the recommendation of a friend, I decided to take up Future Diaries. I've now watched the entire
tv series but haven't yet watched the OVA for it yet. It's definitely a fever dream of an anime. It
feels like it has so much potential to be exciting or interesting. However it seems to almost forget
its past in order to make a bigger explosion. I wanna finish the OVA before I flesh out these
thoughts more. But it is definitely an anime where you won't predict the next step of it.
My workplace has a small water area next to it, and it's been really nice to walk by on my breaks. At
times I've been ab
Renewal
Date:
Author: Nova
Hello All! I used to have an older site on here but I decided to spruce it up, change the url, and revamp
it a little
bit. It was getting a little too unwieldy. It's been a lot of fun learning how to build these sites
though. I've been doing the artistic equivalent of kicking a can around for awhile now as I try and
figure out how to heal and organize things.
I also have some really good news! I recently managed to get a full time job and I'm really happy I've
been able to achieve that. It's actually a job that's very helpful and has been really great to work at
so far! It is definitely not easy work in many ways, but its work I'm able to do. It's a very fast paced
customer facing job though which makes it a bit intense and overwhelming at times just because of the
sheer volume of people you're dealing with. However, I've usually been a people person so it works out.
Recently I've been reading the Illuminatus Trilogy by Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson. It's a very
fascinating read. I haven't finished it yet so this isn't a formal review. However it is an interesting
book and I can't wait to dissect it a little further once I've finished reading it. While I have had a
few issues with the book as I've been reading it, I will say that it definitely isn't a predictable
book.
Also I've moved from EMACS to Visual Studio Code for coding. Learning both how to do the beginning
process of coding and learning how to mess with emacs at the same time was proving to be rather
unwieldy. Mainly because its too much to swallow right now. I will definitely be returning back to it
soon though!